French Politeness Explained Simply

Bonjour: the non-negotiable rule

The single most important rule of French social interaction is simple: say bonjour when you enter any space where you are about to interact with someone. A shop, a doctor’s office, a bank, an elevator with a neighbour — the greeting comes first, before any request or transaction.

Skipping the bonjour is not interpreted as being in a hurry or being foreign. It is interpreted as treating the other person as invisible — as a function rather than a human being. This is considered genuinely rude, even if the person serves you without complaint.

The matching exit greeting is equally important: au revoir, bonne journée (have a good day), or bonne soirée (have a good evening) when leaving. These two bookends — greeting on entry, farewell on exit — frame every interaction in French daily life.

In a group setting, you greet everyone individually. Arriving at a dinner party? You make the rounds — a handshake or two cheek kisses (la bise, though currently less automatic since COVID) and a direct bonjour to each person.

Vous and tu: the real rules

The formal/informal distinction in French (the choice between vous and tu) is one of the most discussed aspects of the language — and one of the most misunderstood.

The basic teaching is: vous for strangers and formal situations, tu for friends, family, and children. This is correct as far as it goes. But the reality is more contextual:

• Always use vous when addressing someone significantly older, a client, a patient, a superior at work (unless they invite otherwise), or anyone in a formal service context.
• Tu is often used quickly in certain environments — tech companies, younger social groups, some political circles — even with strangers. In these contexts, using vous can feel stiff or distancing.
• The switch from vous to tu is typically initiated by the older or higher-status person, with the phrase on peut se tutoyer ? (“shall we say tu to each other?”). Wait for this invitation rather than assuming.
• Using tu too soon with someone who expects vous reads as presumptuous or disrespectful. The reverse — staying on vous too long with someone comfortable with tu — just makes you seem formal, which is a minor problem at worst.

When in doubt: vous. It is always the safer option and will never cause offence.

Please, thank you, and the art of the request

French politeness in requests is specific. S’il vous plaît (formal) and s’il te plaît (informal) must accompany any request — but the structure of the request itself also matters.

Compare these two ways of asking for a coffee:

• Un café. (Abrupt, bordering on rude in many contexts)
• Je voudrais un café, s’il vous plaît. (“I would like a coffee, please.”) — Standard, correct
• Vous auriez un café, s’il vous plaît ? (“Would you have a coffee, please?”) — Softer, particularly polite

The conditional tense (je voudrais, pourriez-vous, auriez-vous) is the French politeness mechanism. Using it signals consideration. Using the direct present tense for requests can sound blunt.

Merci is always expected after being helped or served. Merci beaucoup or merci bien signals genuine appreciation. In shops and restaurants, a quick merci, bonne journée as you leave covers everything nicely.

What “being polite” does not mean in France

A common misconception: that French people are impolite because they seem serious, direct, or not immediately warm. This confuses different politeness codes.

In Anglo-Saxon cultures, friendliness is often performed through constant smiling, casual friendliness with strangers, and enthusiasm in exchanges. In France, this performance is not expected and can even seem insincere. A French shopkeeper who serves you efficiently, says bonjour and au revoir, and handles your request correctly has been perfectly polite — even if they never smiled.

The French concept of politeness is about respect for ritual and respect for the other person’s dignity. It is not about emotional warmth in brief encounters. This distinction — once understood — makes many interactions that felt cold suddenly feel fine.

For the broader picture of how French social interactions work, see our guide on how to communicate naturally with French people.

The bise: physical greetings

La bise — the cheek-kiss greeting — is one of the most confusing aspects of French social life for foreigners. The rules:

• It applies between people who know each other, not strangers in professional settings.
• The number of kisses varies by region: one in some parts of the south, two in most of France, three in parts of Provence, four in parts of Brittany. When in doubt, follow the lead of the other person.
• Between men, a handshake is standard. Some close male friends do the bise; this varies by social group and generation.
• In professional contexts, a handshake is the standard greeting. The bise happens once you know someone personally.
• Since COVID, many French people have dropped the bise even in social contexts, replacing it with a wave or verbal greeting. Do not be offended if someone steps back slightly — they are not being cold.

Polite phrases worth memorising

Written politeness: letters and emails

French formal written language has its own elaborate politeness conventions, particularly in official letters and administrative emails. The closing formula (formule de politesse) of a formal French letter is famously complex:

Je vous prie d’agréer, Madame, Monsieur, l’expression de mes salutations distinguées.

This is the approximate equivalent of “Yours sincerely” — but more elaborate, and expected in formal correspondence. Shorter versions are acceptable in emails: Cordialement (for semi-formal), Bien cordialement (slightly warmer), or Bien à vous (for colleagues you know).

For anyone navigating professional life in France, our guide to how to write a professional email in French covers these formulas in full.